Monday, January 30, 2006

i don't know if the text i posted before is any good...i wote it as i felt inspired by my research which helps me at the moment at least a little not to think of the problems in my life.

some years ago when i was at business college and had to present my diploma work about itchy feet to my german teacher, he asked me: "do you know where the work homesickness is coming from?". i made a wrong guess. he told me it comes from switzerland.

ad indeed it is so! as i realised some days ago that i would really like to try and rewrite the heidi story into something heartbreaking and contemporary, i began to research. another thing i learnt here: i guess you can't really make such a performance or rewrite such a story without detailed research. and i love to do i went online and started.
on wikipedia there is a fantastic explanation of homesickness (in german though) and a link to a very interesting essay. in his essay as well as on wikipedia it was said, that mostly young swiss men in earlier times died of homesickness, especially when they've heard a certain really popular melody that time from switzerland. homesickness is even called the "swiss sickness" as mostly it's said that swiss people are especially vulnerable to this.

i will also read heidi for the first time in my life. yes as a child i had a heidi picture book taken from the tv series (japanese ones) and i always watched them too.
i remember how i was about 4 and i was asking my mum, why kerstin couldn't learn how to walk as clara in the heidi story did. i can still hear my mum saying: "no that isn't possible, michelle"

a text or poem inspired by my heidi research and my momentary situation

heidi is me

heidi is me
homesick, broken, melancholic
longing for running down a meadow
behind me the alps
around me the fresh air
that is playing around my ears

the heart shattered in pieces
oh no no, it doesn't stop
the beginning of the end
was it here or am i still waiting?
waiting for the tides to come?
that is why
heidi is me

climbing on a chair,
the grey walls surrounding me
while i only see
the green and the innocent
i close my eyes
i open my armes
i let myself fall
to crash with the ground
do you see
do you see
that heidi is me?

heidi is me
as are my clothes and my soul
both ripped off me
leaving me naked
while my body is bruised and broken
stolen is my innocence
broken, raped
no i don't want to open my eyes anymore

though there is a flame
that burns inside
and even in such dark times
i think of the green
i think of the smells
so familiar and so loved
and although i am broken
this flame can't be extinguished that easily
therefore i wish you would finally see
that heidi
yes, heidi is me

Wednesday, January 18, 2006

the tides, the bloody tides

sometimes i think my life or all our life is like a tide...there is sometimes much water, then less. and when we are having less, we desperately try to get it, or trying to cope with the situation, before the tide is coming back, bringing the water.

at the moment i feel like a fish out of water...still. i just met my tutor and feel a little better. she told me, that i am a very good student and a very good performer and practicioner. she understood my situation so well and said, she would be devastated if i would leave as she thinks i am one of those people for whom the course is perfect for. european students really seem to be more mature and wantin got do MORE...she even said that.
she was in the same situation when she studied and advised to try to get to know more 2nd and 3rd year students, perhaps making more contact with european students...or more...trying to make it happen and not forcing it, trying to get involved with organising stuff and getting to know people there.

today i sent a mail out, searching for people that want to go to concers, performances and all that stuff. i hope there are people responding. cookie (the president of the student union) thought it is a really good idea. so let's hope there are people responding :)

there's another thing i had to think about constantly...why can't you get rid of something, that apparently isn't doing you good? that is destroying you (or at least seems so). it's terrible that persons you love are able to do all this with you. i guess it's the other side of the medal when it comes to love.
why can't i just kick him out of my life? why are getting all my limbs numb when i am thinking of it and trying to push myself, finally listening to all the people around me?
i still don't know if i acted selfish today, confronting him with this. but can he say that i am acting selfish all the time? i thought i showed patience and understanding for so so long. but perhaps i am wrong and i never did it.

Wednesday, January 11, 2006

heidi, that is me

these days i face the toughest depression i have ever faced. this is very scary for when i was depressed i was at home, i was able to talk to my parents and my sister directly or talk to my friends, seeing them. but now, i am alone, completely alone.
this is all so confusing and i constantly try to make out how to make it better and just meet myself at the end of the circle. the thing is that i don't like clubbing. i like going to caf├ęs, having deep conversations or just watching DVDs. students though here constantly say, that this is not what a student is doing here...they say that students have "the time of their life at uni" and are going out constantly. fair enough if people enjoy it. i try to force myself enjoying it, but i don't. no i don't. then i think that i should be on my own then, and then at the same time i am so so scared to isolate myself.
i tried to talk to people about my problem, involving two persons i think i get in "well" here. they seem to listen but not caring at all, making plans going out and completely drive over me. it's like i run and talk to walls. tomorrow i see a counsellor for the first time in my life and reach out to all ends. i mailed my parents today, saying honestly how unhappy i am as well as to my sister who replied immediately, as well as my parents by text. my mum wants to talk to me as soon as possible and she is worried, about which i am so sorry that i begin to cry now. i don't want to cause anyone any worries...but i thought it's best to be honest, especially to my parents.
it's also that i don't know, if i don't prefer having more theoretical work here..after all i want to become a dramaturg. the course here is so practical and then again it has such a good reputation.
the environment here is making me sick though which annoys it myself. as it is such a wonderful place, so beautiful..and then it seems to eat every inch of me. i like to live in a city, exeter for instance. but then that is so so far away. there is a university in exeter, and i even know a tutor there and mailed him today. another person there told me that i would have to start anew again there...
honestly the last few days i had this picture in my head of running away...yes this romantic way of putting a note on your door saying: "don't worry about me, i am away. don't look for me maybe i am back soon, who knows" are what you write in such a situation. sadly i am too considered to do such a thing or more i am thinking then that with running away the problem isn't solved. or won't be. or perhaps such a thing brings clearance? and where running away to?
i don't know what is right and wrong anymore.
yesterday i met jamie on the staircase and he was aksing me if i have a boyfriend. when i said i don't know he snogged me.
so at the moment i feel like heidi leaving switzerland being in frankfurt, and as well as the heidi i pictured in a new adaption of the story, i have in my head. and the truth is: heidi, that is me. homesick, depressed, confused, disorientated.

Friday, January 06, 2006

bleed and let bleed and the importance of theatre for a city or the world

things are constantly chaning, that is a fact. it's the truth. what would be life without a change? it would be a constant and boring serie of events we know too well.i am coming from basle. it's a cultural city, a city open to people that want to start their life anew, to museums, theatres, companies and least for a swiss city. yes there is zurich...but i always thought that in zurich the money reigns more than in basle, that in basle people know about the importance of the culture, the arts.i began my theatre career there. first at the youth theatre in basle, then at the state theatre. i worked there for years as well, i spent many hours in the audience room watching plays i hated and adored (at the different stages we have the luck to have in basle).the state theatre is not an ordinary theatre. it's a three divisioned house, containing not only drama but also opera and ballett. switzerland is a small country and still both the theatres of zurich AND basle are highly regarded in germany, especially in berlin. it's not because they are producing better plays or very extraordinary things or new things, but because they offer the same quality in productions than in berlin or elsewhere in germany. i suffered in state theatre for one year. but in that year it was proofed to me that i belong to theatre because i survived, i got strong, i got up and ran, ran ran. i ran towards a fork i didn't expect to meet. i took it and it brought me to dartington, where (it seems) i have to be.i knew about problems coming up for the state theatre when i left for england. and the most extraordinary thing about coming home (even for holidays only) is, that many things you didn't noticed before are there "consciously" or changed rapidly. i came home and the first letter i opened from my post on my arrival was a letter from theatre, containing a pedition that they ask to please sign by as many people as possible and then send to the goverment in basle. 3.5 millions they want to cut of the subsidies. about one million they are fighting now with peditions and audience discussions. one million of 3.5 millions. at the same time, the goverment of basle decided that it's easily possible to make 20 millions free for a football game within the framework of the EM. one game shall be played in basle. 20 millions for 90 minutes, while a instituition that brings some kind of -let's call it- "glory" to the city year by year. an institution that contains working places and artists, who not only work for the productions but try to reach the young people and offer courses, due to which i am where i am now. there is interaction of more. i know that a football game brings much appreciation and recognition from abroad, that there are many people staying for days in hotels etc.we bleed economically, that is clear. we bleed for years. and the theatre bled. the current head of theatre had to work with 7 millions less than his predecessor. delnon, the new head of theatre from summer on will now have to deal with 3.5 millions less in addition. hwo to run a three divisioned theatre with that budget and ensuring the same quality, the same amount of working places?bleed and let bleed...and the last one has to bleed for 3.5 it's in the hands of the audience. of the people that go or don't go to theatre. when i was going to see winter, at the end the two actors came on stage again and the male actor read out the intriduction of the pedition, then said: "please it's your theatre. we all go and come but you stay and you deserved to see quality. you made it possible to build a new schauspielhaus. if you liked this show for instance, go and tell all your friends, please come again. if you hated it, tell your enemies and let them come".what i can't stand about this is, that these people don't fight. it's their theatre! now is the time to stand up and remember, to stand in.'s the swiss thing. why change what worked before? and if it doesn't work anymore, give it to doom, it's where it belongs to when it doesn't work anymore. that is how these people think. how many years did i experienced it myself? why don't you, the people of basle don't fight!? nothing gets better by only standing there and see how it is falling into pieces. give only one finger and stick it into a little whole and perhaps you can prevent the building falling down. now imagine what thousands of fingers can do, not even to mention hands.i am romantic i know. i am romantic to ask these people (even though they can't hear it) to fight. but i am a becoming artist, i want, that this theatre is going to survive, even though i am not sure if i will ever land there and work artistically. who knows. perhaps i may not even call myself a becoming artist. but there are things and ideals worth fighting for. and theatre is mine

Monday, January 02, 2006


i got the link from my precious zeke and thought: why not start one as well? perhaps i will post here things i sometimes don't dare to say in my LJ. who knows...

yesterday i discovered "break the night with colours" for are the lyrics:

fools, they think i do not know the road im taking
if you meet me on the way,
hesitating,that is just because i know which way i will choose
the corridors of discontent that i've been travelling
in the lonely search for truth,
the world's so frightening
nothing's going right today cos nothing ever does
oooo, i don't wanna know your secrets
oooo, they lie heavy on my head
oooo, let's break the night with colour
time for me to move ahead

monday morning coming down like understanding
momma thinks you are the ground, yer lookin so frightning
nothing's going right today cos nothing ever does
oooo, i don't wanna know your secrets
oooo, they lie heavy on my headtime for me to break my covertime for me to move ahead(give it up, here we go againgonna give it up, here we go again)
oooo, i don't wanna know your secrets
oooo, they lie heavy on my head
oooo, let's break the night with colourtime for us to move ahead
oooo, i don't wanna know your secrets
oooo, they lie heavy on my headtime, let's break the night with colourtime for me to move aheadfools, they think i do not know the road im takingif you meet me on the way...

rand why did i have the thought of my mobile giving a sign of a text? it's crazy. i sat there with my back to it and thought: i won't turn around...i won't...i won't. there will be nothing.